Saturday, July 31, 2004

take me away, wont you?

so again as it is, i'm staring at the computer, waiting for my dear natalie to come online so that i can send her some stuff.
the headphones blast of avril. yes, i know i've condemned her music before. i still can remember the time when i listened to her EVERYDAY. but i grew up, and she did to. under my skin is quite great music don't you like agree? one lesson to learn is that never listen to avril when my brother is playing the piano, cuz you'll get a headache. hope he stops soon cuz my happy ending is coming up! yes.
i promise yall that the next entry will be a poem k?
i'm going to burn this songss. i know i shouldnt but since yknow, yu wen dahhlin has the cd, i'm so happy larh.
yiusum i want to thank my mother my father my family for how far i've come now. but i want to thank yiusum for being a PoT addict and burning the cd for me!! yay! so now when i play squash can think of fuji and nanjiro and royma. and mizuki. haha. i dont think the dear girl reads this, but hey, its what in the heart that counts. someone can go and tell her she rocckkks. haha. i think i told her lots of times liao.
weet. when my happy ending came up my bro stopped playing. is that physicness OR WHAT? hehehe.
k, fine i am hyper i dunnoe. did i do something wrong?

why we feel l__ost* in a world so small
if only l____ove* could find us all..

still sending natalie the pages. today i played zainal until i fell. argh. he beat me ninetwo still. i thought i only had one point, seems like i'm so wrong ehh, but hell with it. i'm so stressed up i tell you.


i'm unhealthy, unhealthy. stressed. trying my life to be busy.
doing things that i dont want to account for.
being irresponsible. being put down time and time again.
but it doesnt matter because i dont claim to be perfect.
outspoken introvert.
i have a longing for bright green pastures, filled with colourful butterflies, curving in gentle slopes. lying on the medows, staring at the setting sun counting the stars. with someone i'd love. or with myself.
but zeslene, face it. singapore has no such place. you want peace and quiet and healthy, untramlpled blue grass or fine fine fine sand underneath cystal clear waters, you go to somewhere else. halfway around the globe. you want to see stars in the pitch dark sky, you want someone to be with you, you want to stand up and grab a star, you want to breathe freely, you want to see with eyes that arent yours. dreams- are just t-hat simple.


i guess i want to do so many many things. sigh

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 1:19 pm

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

our lives

our faith can be broken,
our hands can be bound;

sometimes i cant figure out myself sometimes, maybe its adolesence. huge word, big implications, rushes of emotions, floods of tears for no apparent reason. for each of us, its probably whats happening. maybe you dont see it in the faces at school, the faces that smile cheerfully at you as you walk in. but inside, sometimes, these sprints of feelings, hot tears, when you think the world is turning its damnit back on you.


more than you would actually care to imagine, yknow.
sometimes i wonder what guys would feel like, does anyone ever think of being a member of the opposite sex? guess the grass will forever be greener on the other side. hm, maslow's hierarchy of needs? i wonder where i stand. half the time i think i still need love. other times i think i've reached the stage where i try to self-actualize. i dunnoe, these people, maslow for example, are just too smart for my puny brain to fantom and mirco on.
sigh, i cant even figure myself out. i cant figure anyone out. i cant figure anything out. yahh, i'm such a loser i dont even know what the damnit answer to black magic is. i do now, yes. but i didnt, still suffering the aftermaths of my retardness, i tell you, i am no more than a stinking loser sometimes.
dream. do you dream? maybe not. imagine, every dream that you dare to formulate, every dream sitting on a little boat in your vast sea of thoughts, were branded by your so called friends[or not] as immature, childish, lame or what not. i really admire the people who DARE to DREAM, because they are the ones who have the friends who appreciate this sense of wonderment, and they themselves have time and the peace required for the art of dreaming. by this i mean dream in the day, in the night, i suggest you keep those to themselves.


the amazing thing- dreams. martin luther king had a dream for america. look at what the place has become. if only we were allowed the power to dream*, because dreams take you far, dreams give you HOPE. and hope, is not, not, an illusion of reality. natasha you are by far mistaken. dream your heart out, ★ dont let no one stop you, or crush that little misty thing in the bottle. dont. because dreams are precious. dreams are signs of childlikeness. dream and dream.


i guess this is enough for today. see youu people again.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:35 pm

Sunday, July 25, 2004

-

i try so hard to be someone i'm not.

acting is a double-edged sword.

consciousness, human consciousness. do we really have a soul? we think our emotions. if we were just
physical matter, made up of atoms-entirely- we wouldnt have our thoughts our feelings our experiences.
our memories. but deep down we really are still the same people.




or are we? free will. free willy. sometimes i wonder.




the habit of mind- responding with awe and wonder? i think we should.

dont lose your sense of wonder, your child-likeness, the God-given innoncence.

hm. cogito ergo sum- i think, therefore i am. or, cogito, ergo Deus est!- i think, therefore God is.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:52 am

Friday, July 23, 2004

ec

it's so difficult putting on a front. when u are really not feeling too good about somebody or something, yet having to pretend that all's fine. living a massive lie.


i cant say anyth now.
stupid show stupid jiaqi stupid life stupid people stupid stupid stupid.
i rather get angry then not care
its so hard living this lie
why must you go to that extent
i know, i'm sorry.
i'm such a sucker.
you hate me, i can understand.
feels as though i'm such a failure a let down


i know what the problem is with me.
its *trust
its *respect
i dont have both
and i cant trust anyone.
you want me to do your dirty work
you want me to be your infomation personnel
i cant live this lie




anymore..


i cant say anyth now.
my brain is speaking explicit language.
you dont want to hear it.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 7:46 pm

Thursday, July 22, 2004

115

i swear sometimes i am such an idiot i cant even take in myself.
i locked the blog, and i'm so juvenile to trust that no one would hack. see, look at what i get for trusting others.
i've learnt my lesson once, i cant believe how stupid i am. and therefore i am going unlock it. and maybe lock it again, but this is a public apology, soak it up while you can.


and i am well sorry about doing what i did miss huang, even though i may not seem so. sorry 104ers for not being a good viceclasschair. sorry the prefects for being an sl that didnt do much, resented her job, and giving others a lot of trouble. sorry to people that i've hurt with my vicious remarks, as sometimes i dont know to what extent words can hurt.
the internet is indeed dangerous. sigh. i am sorry.


i'm such a useless vicechairperson. i suck. screw. i'm such a lousy person on the whole, i dont care what i do. maybe i should mind more, care more. secondary school has been one hell of a ride. i've gained a lot, i'm sure. but i lost a lot too. ahhhhh natasha, yuan, olivia whoever else, if you want to cry, i'll cry with you. right, LS?
put on a front. we need love. sigh. if only love could find us all.. i'm really really remorseful at what i did, jumping to conclusions all the time.
i suck.


squash is the only thing that takes my mind off life, maybe besides church and yf. cant stand being such a hypocrite. but we all are, right? hypocrites- you daresay you arent one?
i dunnnoe what so say. i've let people down, let my mum, coach, teachers, friends, myself.
i cant stand living with such restrictions anymore.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 7:32 pm

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

114

never again. never ever.

not any more.

i'm going to be so nice to everyone, try to stop suanning them yknow, try. but that still helps doesnt it? if its a conscious effort, it'll make a difference. i dont exactly understand why, at all, i try to please everyone, as though they need it or smth. i'm so messed up there, and i cant continue on this delirium much longer. i need time, yeah, to sort out my life my friends the whole thing/s thats been happening.
these few days have been rotten. stink, absolutely. and not only for me, but i know,
for the rest of my friends, clique, youknow. sighhh.
so for all these friends, as i presently treat them, i wrote letters. i dont know, if i cant talk i can write yeah? maybe yall think its brainless and a waste of time, i dont.
tears i said this in my blog, before, last time, long ago. i said that tears are what brings people together and tears people apart. i've never found it to be more true than what happened these few days.
but anyhow, it is my class oneohfour- and however much i dont like the class as a whole, i love*hearrtt the people i've met there. well, if that hadn't happened, i'm sure i'll love to be back at primary school. but i cant, and its heartless, cruel and totally malicious that they HAVE to tear it down. sighh, sometimes i wish i wasnt so sentimental and gushy then this passing wouldnt bear so hard on me, cut and tear, like a displine belt.

i'm going to try so hard, and put in the most effort to become a gifted writer, instead of being just fluent or what not.

camelia heyy babe. dont worry k? i'm not angry with you. and i'm not running. its just that its hard to tell you the whole story. maybe if you wish you werent hurt, or smth, or become someone who's gonna hate me, throw away the password.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 3:18 pm

Monday, July 19, 2004

emotions

shucks.
i'm not sitting with yiyun anymore. i think i took sitting beside her for granted all this while. sigh. i dont like wherever i am now, beside cheryl and the only near person is hardly considered NEAR properly. like sipei is seperated by one huge space.
but, its just not right, that i'm not sitting with her any more, at all. its so wrong! like that should be happening. today was about the worst, bad, extremely hateful day of my entire life? bahh. i hate it. absolutely positively h .a .t .e school. ahhhh. and i'm going to be so entirely glum the whole next half of the year. ahhhhhhhhhh. WHYWHYWHYWHY?
sighh, i cant change it. its a fact has been will always. got to accept change. i never liked change, its just to diffcult for me to adjust to the new surroundings. my literature group changed to, i love my lit group. i know jiayun and geraldine and yunning are the same.. but without yiyun i dunnoe why, its just so wrong.
i just yuan has played a bigger role in my life than i care to admit. the good thing was that at least i could talk to jasmine about it. thankyouus` girl. it really encouraged/helped me so much.


out of all the bad things that happened in school today, the scoldings i've got, the whole RHD and phototaking. i had a forebearing. gahhhh. i hate wherever i am now. or maybe i just want to be somewhere else.
friends, never had any true ones in secondary school. the only person that ever came close to that- yiyun, is a huge distance away. its not going to be the same anymore. its going to be so screwed and WHATEVER. sighh, i cant be selfish can i. i'm sorry, you cant do anything to help yourself zeslene.



resigned.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 5:51 pm

Sunday, July 18, 2004

why?

gahh this new lookout of blogger is for html idiots.
just wrote my testimonial just now, i think i've found out a lot more about myself. i'm quite sure i know myself enough, but this forced me to rummage through the black past the bleak present and the better? future. maybe.
now that i've locked my blog i think i can be more open with myself, because this is not cheap and because i know now whose looking.
yes i matters. more than you think it does.
i think my life hasnt exactly been perfect, far from though. as most of our lifes are. but on the terms of friendship, i think i'm making more enemies than i should be. that isnt favourable, especially as my mother constantly reminds me what will happen to you in the working world? only she doesnt know that i dont care anymore. dont give a b.i.g damn about my results. yes, yes results do matter, its the image you paint to the world.
o u t s i d e r s.


my kindergarten was horrible. its was just like mean girls there was this huge group of popular girls[with me inclusive]. if you thought carefully about it. i think thats what changed me the most, in kindergarten. became the kind of person that sought the limelight, talked more than i should've probeb and badgered like a little kid who wanted sweets. kindergarten. i cant say i hated it, and i would change it. but its interesting to think back on your childish years.
primary schoolsure i had friends then. louisa chen/tan gillian germaine. i cannot bring myself to say ilu*. to gillian and germaine. those were in the kiddy years, when i was still this whiny child. but those years were by far much better than what happen after camelia. give me a chance, maybe i would change that whole time. of getting to know camelia. because she cost me lots of things. i know its painful to know that until now i havent forgiven them. i'm sorry cam. its hard right? to see the m- a- s- k-* i've been wearing.
people fail you, i've learnt not to put my damn trust in them, and faith, not even in myself anymore because i've been struggling with myself for so long, with friends who i'm s_u_p_p_o_s_e_d to like and love and cherish. but why is it that i cant, cannot, can never. for *give? if did and do, i would be happier, have more, more friends! maybe its pride. and i need meekness and humility. i'm selfish because i look at it from my point of view. AHH.
secondary school may have lived up to my stress expectations, but no more. i have a clique, but no friends who i'm confortable to talk to for two hours and more. its early in the year you say, i hope it is, because i need a best friend. cam and cordelia are so distant. wanfong has her dear agnes and natalie is far far away even in school. she has grace and dawn and xianwei.. natalie.. she's just g-one? or is it me? i dont know, i'm 'fraid of knowledge already.
maybe yiyun. but the both of us are so eccentric, i dont know what to say








soon i'll post a poem up for yall to read.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 6:41 pm

Friday, July 16, 2004

we are

oh mann. blogger actually changed its look again. I dont like it. its not nice. its too easy for people who dont know or even understand to use it! ugh. absoulutely repulsive.
right now, only camelia knows the password. therefore if you are not called camelia you are invading my web terrioty and have this huge right to be ashamed of yourself.
i dont know why i just keep posting stupid stuff here.
oh yes camelia, i havent gotten overTHAT yet. oh noo. i havent.
i think thats what made me so screwed so twisted and so scarred now. it was all your fault. but i still love you dearie.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:50 pm

Thursday, July 15, 2004

heyy

this is a sneak preview
better ask me for the password because its going to be
locked i decided.
natalie wanfong love youuuuuu`
so dont hesitate to ask me kaee?
i'm getting better i think.
getting spiderman 2 ost tmr!
finally. after waiting for so long!
this entry is really stupid.
i love spiderman 2 songs.yesyes i doooo.
rant rant rant.
i cant measure the extent of my childish shamed love for spiderman songs.
of course away from the sun isnt a spidey song. but its really nice! in the tune the lyrics. heart 3 doors down.

by the way the song was from ++cody music
dun want to be accused of plagrism.

i've got to make this life make sense

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:34 pm

Monday, July 12, 2004

sick

darn.
i'm sick- badly.
sick like s i c k.
i wanttt to goo home. but i cant because of the stupid netball clinic.
great, just great. now i'm stuck in school with a runny nose all the way until six. absolutely awesome.
well, i'm going to lock or delete my blog.
soo kill me, because if i do, i probably wont give you the password.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:31 am

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

whiiiirl

Proverbs four
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

yeah this is the context of verse 23, which i am going to talk about, in no view of an expert, just me and my own opinion.
wellspring: plentiful source of something.
sighh. life's been a whirl. crazed up and confused, yet at the same time i'm still the same person, and will forever be. [camelia, here this update is for you. and the last post date was wrong.]
in verse 20 the author of proverbs tells the israelites to listen to his words, and keep it is your heart(vs 21). because it will give life and health. this is of course not to be taken literally, that if you read God's word, ta-dah** you'll become healthy[health and wealth gospel..x) ]. in vs 23 the author of proverbs asks us to 'guard our heart' for it is the wellspring of life. 'life' in this sense, meaning that we should read God's word, and keep it in our heart, guarding it against perversity and corrupt. and therein have life in Christ, through God's word.

thats what i think verse 23 means. yeah, so junli maybe your interpretation is right too.

-*Instead, guard your heart because it is the wellspring of your life, because "it is a treasure, because everything else depends on it. How kind of God us this warning, like someone entrusting to a friend something precious to him, with the words: "Be careful with this - it means alot to me." " Take much care, even when people do fail you. They always will. But don't let God down by doing what makes Him sad.*dream-

of course we try our best not to let God down.. i've been praying for this faith to transform into real Christian actions to have sincerity, love and kindness. to be honest and joyful. for me, and my life to reflect Christ and His love and obedience (to God).
love God more- know God more- love God more- and knowing and loving to transform into actions that mirror Christ-likeness.

i've been trying to forgive them and to forget.. but the memories are more than precious.. i dont understand why i cant accept and let go.STILL. even until now. maybe i shld just give up, forget, lie to myself, but why, why do i know that i'll never ever forgive?

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:35 am

Friday, July 02, 2004

i give up K?

i feel that i owe my faithful readers an update. So here i am, gng to explain why i've been quiet and vulgar and strolling when i should be running.
because thats what you people want to know.
and i can bet some of you are going to ask why i was tearing during dance lesson.
and why i cannot be bothered to care.
and why i think that if you hate yourself you should make yourself bleed. yall were prolly wondering why i wrote that?
but then yall wont know. because i wont tell you.
look, i've been bitten once, twice, thrice. i've had just about enough from all that pack of lies you understand.
i'm different now. you understand. i'm different.
and if for anything, i apologise, if i've made you red-butt people boil. or if i was mean to the extent where you cried. or if i said something nasty to you that made you berate and reproach yourself for the whole day.
and if i say i do mean it, so?
because you dont. you dont.

i give up, okay?

Thorned.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:57 pm