Thursday, June 24, 2004

-

Chewing a carrot now. Want my eyesight to become 6/6 again. I realize carrots are great snacks.

Ohmann, i don't believe it. MissHuang reads our blogs. Hi misshuang. I knew i shouldn't have. haii. :) Listening to Hanson cd now. Lent my the calling 2 album to Kay. AHH!! I'm missing it like MADDDD. I lovelovelovelovelovelove the calling. hmm Hanson sounds nice too. Penny and me is goooood. haha.

So i promised Linkin Park update.
Cordelia and WF queued there in the sun for like four hours!! Ohmann. Yeah, got to thank youu` for queuing for me! :) yeah. I was there at arnd 4.45pm.because before that i had to go accompany my mother, her birthday mah. Happy birthday mummy! So at arnd 6.15 thereabts, we got up. There was this some rumour that we could make our way in already, then this group of people from the other queue just jumped in. I was disgusted. So there were these hardcore fans who explicited them. This one malay guy even scolded the security. haha, he was even cheered on! got to applaud them. these other queue cutters are really bad, i mean we queued for like 5 hours.. fine, i admit. not me, but wf and cordelia. don't bully us because we're lil kids! anyway dustin bumped into us, gave us 'advice' of somesort, so at least we knew what to expect.

the concert rockkked. haha. i cld hear chester and mike singing, thankfully, because we were like infront. thank yoouuu` corde and wanfong for queuing. happy belated wanfong!! you definitely needed to know the lyrics of all the songs. hardcore fans i'd call it. at least i knew most of them, having listened to so much during those last few days of school last year. i was actually quite sentimental. obviously you'd think i'm mental, like where is there time to be sentimental during a rock concert? haha, nothing is impossible quote the adidas ad.

i apologise for being pissed yesterday. maybe you aggravated it a lil bit, but other than that i was just absolutely unhappy with myself. starr starr. sometimes i just hate myself. maybe school isnt as bad as i think it is. today was good, but then i know i'll get into that stupid routine again of being stresseed than de-stressing on saturday.
why cant i be a proper person?! or maybe Christian. i want to be a fulltime Christian. part time student quote amanda. sigh.
is school as bad as i think it is? i don't want school. i would like it if i could trust myself half as much as i can.

but i just dont trust me enough.

ohwell, so much for that. i still stand by what i truly feel. you only hate because you love too well. when you love until it hurts, there is no more hurt, only more love. ms huanggg, i know you disagree, but i disagree with youu` too. love may be more than just an emotion, but in anycase is still an emotion. you hurt because you love, and hurt goes away when you love. sighh.

[[she closed the window.]] that damned poem that made me hate myself. that damned poem that i wrote about myself. i realize how much of a loser i am. siggghh.


i suck.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 4:45 pm

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

pissed

I dont know why i insigate
and say what i dont mean

Linkin park was aweeesome. Tell yall about it later.

I am pissed. Go away. leave me alone.
Now i need to pia for tmr. So much homework left

kill me.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 5:11 pm

Sunday, June 20, 2004

oneohfour.

This is a post to end the holidays, offically.
I'm really sorry i have to go back to school after this whole long break. Time seems to be passing really slowly this year, i don't know if that is good or not, has both its pros and cons i guess.
I am tired with life. Because i know that when i die, i'll be in heaven, where i'll see God again. And its all that i want! But life here on earth has a purpose, i know too, God does not do things without having a reason. All i want is to worship Him, to gloryify Him, to have a relationship with Him. Life is so tiring. The proscect of going back to school with a pile of homework, tests, squash practices and everything else to do with rgs.. I don't know, just makes me want to scream/shout/[the irony of it all]cry. Maybe the friends and literature and squash aren't all that bad, but the dire routine, the doing of the same old old thing day in day out. The legalism.. The busyness, the slacking and the piaing. What i'd hate most would be the feeling of emptiness, of loneliness.
Just went back to read my journal today. I found out the last entry in that diary was a poem that i wrote.. and that i forgot. Its called she closed the window. Quite a personal poem. I might share it with you if you ask me to. When i read it i thought it was awesome, just a superb print of my life on paper. But then i realized that i wrote it. I cannot believe how out of touch i have been with my damn self. Since that happened last year, it changed a whole lot of me. Since that incident, i've been scarred, and forced, a whole much lot, to grow up. Had my life invaded once- i'm numb. There is a reason why me and maybe camelia are that much more mature than other thirtheen year olds. I've never told anyone else- the nightmare would become real otherwise.
I'm terribly sorry for whatever burdern i'm placing on you now through this. I know blogs are places where people pour out their complains and feelings without hesitation because they don't know the people reading them. Of course they would feel much less guilty, as opposed to complaining with someone on the phone. You don't want to burdern the poor guy, after all he already has his own worries without having to care for yours. So i hope you forgive me, if i actually manage to change your mood.
I think i'm suffering from mild depression. I'm tired of living. Tired tired tired tired. But yet i have to live on- God's plan for my life has not ended.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 8:01 pm

i stand in awe

i stand in awe by Mark Altrogge
You are beautiful beyond description
Yet God crushed You for my sin
In agony and deep affliction
Cut off that I might enter in
Who can grasp Your tender compassion
Who can fantom this mercy so free
You are beautiful beyond description
Lamb of God who died for me

Isnt this suck a beautiful second verse of i stand in awe. Was written later actually, but its really really meaningful! We should start singing it in church though.
I'm going to try and get the 'i stand in awe' cd!! It has how high and how wide too. My two favourite songs. Haha. I always loved how high and how wide. Have the chrous up in my room! I'm going to get the cd at the [share the word] shop later(i hope).

Yongquan is back! Welcome back guy. Didn't get a chance to talk to him today.. haha. I was SO surprised when i saw him. :) Welcome back!! [although i don't think he reads this.]

i want the 'i stand in awe' cd!!! :)

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 2:09 pm

Saturday, June 19, 2004

102

Came back from sisters retreat and i am greeted by this huge pile of homework left to do. There are five more days left and school reopens again. Our shakespeare project is still undone, we're dead for literature. Thank goodness we've finished the research studies, accountibiliy is not that hard to complete. Unfortunately for me, I've done almost everything but finished almost nothing because i do a little bit of everything and never end up finishing it. I am such an idiot, kill me. So i went to chruch camp and sisters retreat, in the time which i could have completed my homework, so for those of you who havent gone on holidays and havent finished your work, you are really slackers.

Anyway i was just thinking about when we pray, that sometimes we pray and pray and pray until we don't, or at least, i don't know what i'm talking/ thinking about. And it becomes a habit for us to say 'Lord.. i need you in my live Lord, redirect it to you Lord..' I think on average 'Lord' is said about 20 times in my prayer. Maybe its because i always do it, saying Lord, that the whole thing becomes a routine and i don't think about whether i'm saying it.

But Lord is a very sacred word. According to dictionary.com Lord is Lord is" n 1: the Christian god [syn: Godhead, Lord, Creator, Divine, God Almighty, Almighty, Jehovah] 2: a person who has general authority over others [syn: overlord, master] 3: a titled peer of the realm [syn: noble, nobleman] [ant: lady, lady] v : make a lord of someone"

I think maybe besides just being God, Lord also means He has ultimate control over my life, and by calling God Lord, one is saying that you have full autority and rule over yourself. And when saying it becomes such a routine(or natural thing?) sometimes i forget the true meaning and implications of using the word Lord.

No, i'm not suggesting that i dont want God to reign over my life. I'm just reminding myself that i need to let God take control and let Him help me live my life according to His wonderful plan. And when every i say Lord God/Lord Jesus, i adknowledge that fact.

Thank you, Lord.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 2:15 pm

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

The fine art of silence

Today's(15th June 2004) life page, again brought to attension the ugly side of singaporean audiences. And trust me, the people who defended the group of Chij (Katong) Secondary are more than out of their minds. Mr Lee[the dancing fellow who berated those girls], i commend your actions. Although, of course, it could have (self-admittedly) been done in a more civilized manner and no four letter explicit should have been used.

But in thinking back, isnt a four letter explicit an art? Then anyone could say that laughing would be an art too? Now, I don't disagree with that statement, laughing can be can art, but we need to see context(just like the way you read the Bible, in context) and circumstance. In this case, laughing in the theater when a somber dance performance is going on, is neither an art, or amusing. Its just plain rude and uncouth.

I cannot believe today's theater audiences, they are downright sloppy(come in slippers and shorts, miniskirts. Girls just look like SPGs). What hurt would it bring to cover up a little more skin? At least you don't freeze to death in the theater. And people who come late and demand that they go in just because they paid. All I can say to your haughty mannerisms are getlost, because the world does not owe you a living. You bought and paid for a ticket with the time stated clearly. So therefore, if you arrive later than that, the ticket is effectively out of use. Say adios to the performance mister.

And woe to the 'forgetful' souls who never fail to leave their handphone volume at full blast. I don't understand why Singapore still condones all these. Must be because of leading people in the arts, like Mr CEO of the Esplandade who is more concerned about schools coming to watch his Esplandade's performance, rather than respect for the performance and the performers. Do you not care about the miniorty of art lovers? The people who are willing to pay thousands and thousands for a beloved art show, rather than groups of giggling girls who are there because they are forced to go, desecrating the seriousness of a performance due to a very funny joke that one of them cracked.

I pale in disgust at the way of these people, and the kind of children Singapore is now producing. I am ashamed to admit that I might have once acted in such a childish manner too, and may I be held accountable for my intolerable behaviour. Personally, I feel that the one who really owe an apology are the students of Chij(katong) Secondary, the girls who had giggled and laughed when it was conspicuous silence was required. Mr CEO of the Esplandade, do not fear, schools will still go to the performances, it would be more likely Madame Princpal of Chij Katong Sec who needs to worry, for she may not see anymore pupils in her grounds once the current badge of pupils graduate. Well, she might not anyway, if the parents here claim to be as in love in arts as they claim to be. Which i calmly refute as trash, for the parents of the Chij Katong Sec girls must've acted the same way, you were the girl's role models! And i doubt you'd deny it, for what art you did watch was wayang, which demanded that kind of laughter, but what your daughters now watch are dances, and that we have to learn to adapt with times.

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with wayang, there isn't. But if your child cant appreciate it, teach her HOW to appreciate what she CAN appreciate in the right manner. I am sorry to say that this kind of equitte is also apparant in Rgs and thankfully we have that art award, [which i wished i could do, but hardly have the time to(considering the amt of homework/projects) i have.] which should sucessfully breed young art lovers, and these can pass the passion for the arts to their friends. I would expect this wpuld be one way of paying it forward, it is doing a good deed for the Singapore arts scene.

Here i refer to what the writer's friend of the article had said, about us being too concerned over the micro issues instead of the, macro, and all i have to say for you is : That if you had as much a brain as you expect, you would understand that Singapore needs to get people who want to watch the plays, before they decided about funding for the arts. If Singapore has a big appeal in audience, then there would be no harm done thinking about funding. The problem is that these girls are not watching it right, descerating the sincerity and mood of the show, there is no point getting such high level performers to come. We just need funding for a one man slapstick comedy show and everyone would feel just as much entertained.

I awfully regret having to chide someone older than me on my blog, but I cannot stand the way some of us treat the art scene. Do not tell me to chill or relax, for i am already comfortable, as i am just discussing some common sense ideals. I also close by asking for your pardons if at any point in this whole entry if I shld sound uppity.

P.s Of course how you respond to a performance is based on your own interpretation. And this i have to say to the people who laugh during somber shows: If you can find a way to justify your puny behaviour, laughter can surely be condoned.
Goodday and au revoir.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 1:34 pm

Monday, June 14, 2004

this is post 100

Post 100!

man.
I have too many aspirations. Too many dreams. Too many goals. And in the end it i have disappointments, not successes.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 11:33 pm

booh yeah!

Hows the new layout? haha. i took one off blogskins and modified it. left the link there too! plargism is a crime i dont want to commit.

shucks. I still have loads of homework left. stop procrastinating zeslene!!

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:08 pm

Saturday, June 12, 2004

church camp

Did you miss me? Just came back from church camp. I'm going to be tired for a long long time..

Shall give a brief outline of what happened during the camp.. Or else i wont remember. Like the last time. blahh.
I so played a lot of bridge!! (: Do you know how fun bridge is? I'm addicted, hook line and sinker. played 3 nights in a row!! hahahaha. i still want to play more! haha.. we had durian on wednesday, i wasnt really interested, thank you uncle freddy and family anyway. I was contented chomping on the rambutans. The musical!! in the end i didnt act, but i played a bigger role! the audience. *applause Didnt act because it was a very man play!! even the leading actress was a guy. ohh man. I think uncle danny did a good job seducing joey. Could tell joey was trying hard not to laugh. I still have to give it to uncle Christmas for the straight faced mustafa joke. haha. So racist man.

So the last day i slept at 5 woke up at 0830, absoluted wacked out.three hours of sleep does not exactly constitude any sleep at all. I was practically a walking zombie. Tried to get some snooze in the bus. Actually i think i enjoy the coach ride more as opposed to the car ride. Coaches are far by more stable. who said kfc in malaysia isnt nice? KFC there is superb. Awesome. The chicken is so tender.. a far cry from the singaporean KFC.

Anyway i'll be really tired these past and future days.
reason 1. Church camp day after i had to run 3 km. Today i went crazy. So fatigued.
reason 2. There is euro 2004!! I have to watch portugal!! tonight and tomorrow night i'm going to watch. Which i crazy, but i dont care.
reason 3. Homework. I'm going to finish homework but this week. You cant stop me computer.
reason 4. Sisters retreat. haha, i dont have to say anything about this one.

I really must thank God for a time of reflection and retreat during the church camp. I asked God for a holiday from all these stress and the church camp really answered my prayer. It was an amazing time of getting to know more people better, i really thank God for that.. ( : Right now i'm back here in Singapore and faced with the stresses of an average singaporean secondary one child, i need to pray that i will find rest and in the Lord Jesus Christ, in whatever i do that i will get my prioites right.

Imagine. I'm missing squash camp for sisters retreat and my homework. I can't believe myself sometimes.

Today's bible study was quite amazing. I think we did more than what we were supposed to do. I like Romans! haha. i must be mad.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 8:40 pm

Sunday, June 06, 2004

music

music. I'm going to watch linkin park!! but that's beside the point. today's topic is music.

Just read [the giver] for english book club. Was planning to read it during chruch camp, but i just couldnt put it down. No, i am no bookworm.. Just intriguing and fascinating. The kind which captures you and swirls you around its finger and devours you whole; the kind which gives you space to explore although i still havent found any book that is as interesting as the bible. bible study is getting more fun!! yay. i like it. i want to do corebiblestudy. i want. *pout sigh, its always ?i want right?

Tell me why i dont exactly appreciate small kids[yes i admit i am still a small kid but i mean like 2 to 7]. Its all about me me me me me me me and i i i i i i. If you dont get pissed i am humbled. I can be a listener, i am quite one[dont roll your eyes!!].. But something i cannot, cannot tolerate is selfcenteredness. selfcenterness is a disgrace.

i try not to be selfcentered. but Godcentered. and peoplecentered!! i think i'm a people's person. you can disagree.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 7:45 pm

Thursday, June 03, 2004

this is what my name should have been

What Name Should You Have? by Lauren

Ooh. i never wanted the name Jade.

Anyway that they i was thinking.. What if i wasnt Zeslene? Then a weird feeling came and i felt i was a soulmate. Someone NOT zeslene, yet, Zeslene. It was freakyy. Maybe its because i'm sentimental, that my name means a lot to me. It does.. I cant imagine even, NOT being Zeslene. (: I would feel so out of place, literally.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 5:22 pm

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

death and whatnots

have you ever reached your rainbow's end
did you find your pot of gold
ever catch a shooting star
tell me how high did you soar
ever felt like you were dreaming
just to find that you're awake
and the magic that surrounds you
can lift you up
and guide you on your way

I think i cry to easily these days. Cry in by bed every night. When i'm listening to songs. I don't know whats happening. Its not about school, i know. I think i've gotten over that. Accepted it as a fact. I love you too much to make youu` stay.. Maybe i shouldnt be selfish.

On Junli's nick- I have found the paradox for love. That if you love until it hurts, there is no hurt. Only more love.|| I think i know why Junli has that much respect from us. sigh.

Yknow, i feel that much scared for yiyun. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO ACCEPT YOURSELF. DON'T BE AFRAID OF YOURSELF. TRUST YOURSELF.

can i talk to youu` or something. sighhhh.

prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:30 am